Sir Julius Vogel Awards 2025

How do I talk about the SJVs?

It’s been more than a week and I’m still reeling.

I didn’t expect it to win.

I say this with no disrespect to the many incredible contributors that came together to bring the anthology to life. It is utterly fantastic!


I didn’t expect it to win because the anthology is a community project - nominated against publishers who are the cream of the crop!

Artificial Sweetener is the third instalment in SpecFicNZ anthology project.

First seeded in 2018 under the dedicated care of Grace Bridges, the President at the time, the anthology is proud to provide a significant opportunity for NZ speculative authors.
 
A project able to exist because the team who produce it volunteer their time to make it happen. How else is it possible to produce a book for less than $3,000?

The cost of production pays our contributors.
Nothing is spent on production, marketing or promotion.

I volunteered to join the Core about three years ago, after a desperate call to reach the required number of standings to ensure the organisation’s survival as an incorporated society.

At the time, I knew so little about Aotearoa’s speculative community I didn’t think I’d qualify to help. Yes, I’ve always been a spec head, but never connected with the Aotearoa scene.
Three years on, that has certainly changed!
Drastically!

When the 2024 anthology discussion came up, I volunteered to steer the ship.
Because - A: I love this community, and I wanted to lend my skills to help support it.
And B: because I had something to prove.

The latter, I admit, comes with a certain degree of ego…

Here’s the thing:

I’ve always fought for a career in the arts.

And you need only speak to anyone in this industry once to know; – the struggle is real.

I’m not unique in having a long rap sheet of very disappointing attempts to carve my way in a notoriously difficult, and often cruelly unforgiving arts industry.

Like many, I’ve trusted the wrong people, got burnt and grappled with the crippling self-esteem issues that all come with the ‘struggling artist’ stereotype.

I’ve suffered extreme burn out for the premise of promises never delivered and faced the trauma of those who abuse their power, both behind the scenes and in slanderous gossip.

The number of jobs I’ve done for pennies or no pay with the hopes of being able to launch a career already dripping in a hefty student loan… yikes!

2024 was the hardest year for me in terms of my career.

In 2023, I’d burnt my candle from three ends (yes, three!) with the dangled carrot of a promise that was abruptly and violently ripped away the first few weeks into 2024.
Coming after a similar heart-break back in 2021, I was thrown into a pit of utter despair.

My self-esteem was, once again, shattered.
A statement I do not write lightly.

Looking back, I understand I only had myself to blame for not asserting my own boundaries and trusting too much in the words of those who turned out to have little respect for me. Some lessons we learn the hard way.

In 2024, I was supposed to be listed as the editor for more than five novels - at least two of which I would also have contributed to the covers for.

I was supposed to see royalties on these for the next five years and receive many other varying bonuses - dedicated to ensuring at least one of these would be viable for a long list of meticulously researched awards.
 
It was supposed to be the pay-off for two years working more than 40 hours a week around the clock (on promises, not a pay check) and firmly set me on my career path as an accredited editor/publisher.

While I am eternally grateful that one of these authors was able to name me in their acknowledgements, I can’t begin to explain how devastating it is to have worked on more than 20 novels and none of them can, as of yet, can be added to my portfolio legitimately (with no fault to myself or the authors).
 

For 4 years, I worked as essentially a co-publisher.
From submissions to press releases, and everything in between bar the accounts admin, proof-reading or book formatting. I gave my all to support writers in becoming published authors.

Not being able to prove what I did and being discredited for my work by a company - heart-break doesn’t even begin to capture it.

But, I do still call myself a professional editor.
And have done for the past three years because — I am one.

Even if I do not have the catalogued list of novels I have helped polish for publication.

Despite the fact I am not named in recognition of that, despite the fact I couldn’t prove I was every bit as experienced as I claim — my experience and skills -are- that of a professional.

The authors from across the globe whom I've had the esteemed honour to help support, are willing to endorse me and have given written testimonies to my skill and my value.

But without those books on the shelf, bearing my name to prove I’m not a swindler… the self-doubt and the competitive nature of the industry has been a constant fight.

So, when I say that the SpecFicNz anthology came with something for me to prove and I full-heartedly mean it.

Volunteering a years’ time in working on producing an anthology, for me was a way I could prove the merit of my skill - and reclaim something of what I’d lost over the four years chasing empty promises.

While part of me was always afraid that once again, I was pouring everything into something which may become a thankless task, I needed to prove something to myself.

I volunteered to do the anthology because I needed to silence my crippling self-doubt.

I needed my self-esteem back.

I can’t explain to you what it was like to hold the print copy of Artificial Sweetener: Tales of AI in my hands.
It was the handprint on the cave wall – it said ‘I was here, I existed’.

 
And for me, that was enough.

 
I am acutely aware that I am just one of many hands involved in making this collection as fantastic as it is – but my hand was often at the wheel.

One part of the process I had absolutely zilch involvement in, was the anthology theme.

 
When I learned it would be a year working with tales of Ai - I was nervous and scared.
This would not at all be my wheelhouse!
I had no idea how I was going to tackle supporting a collection about AI…

Fuelled with the drive to assert myself, to ensure this time, I succeeded - I was loud, and stubborn and dominating in ensuring that the process went the way I knew it needed to.

 
I’ve never been so bold!

SpecFicNZ have never done developmental edits before – they never accepted conditional works.

Right from the onset, I steamrolled in and said:

“We are going to make this a professionally published experience for authors.
We are going to make this award-winning worthy – so we are going follow professional published models and do multiple rounds of edits.
We are going to have a team of editors – I will do a developmental edit; I’ll pass it to Gary and he can check it all over. Then onto line edit, then copy edit and then two proofing rounds. And for each type of edit, we will have fresh eyes.”

Now granted, the editing types got a little blurry and I admit I was very ambitious about how smoothly the process would go.

No one on the team had ever worked like this before!
Many of the authors had never worked like this before!

For all of us, it was a brave and new experience.

If I were to do it again, there are some things I’d certainly change, but over-all – it worked!

 
Not a single person in the chain ever expressed anything but positive responses.

Do you know how I know it was so successful?

 
Because N-Spired Learning was a conditional acceptance.
And that story went on to win the Best Short Story category.

Now, BT is extremely talented!
I can single him out as being one of the most enthusiastic and dedicated authors I have yet had the privilege to work with.

His unyielding excitement for the editing process was infectious, enriching and generally an incredible joy to experience.
His support and endless encouragement for the whole anthology will stay with me for many years to come!

I can’t speak for any of the other nominees in the category, but as far as I am concerned, he is the most deserving person I know to receive the award.

 
His dedication to craft is exceptional!

 
And I could not be more proud to have played a small part in supporting N-Spire Learning’s brilliance. Along with Gary (copy edit 1), Linda (copy/line2) and Melissa (proof).  

Okay, we did have one author start on the developmental edit track who decided, in the end, they didn’t want to change anything in their story – and power to them! Because I personally think that’s fantastic when an author knows what the right path for them is. I can only hope they still received something out of the experience.

Once editing was done – and my gods did the team do a stella job! – I once again steamed my way into man the wheel of curating.

I cannot tell you how many tiresome, stressful hours I spent reading and re-reading through various orderings and categories.
Many ideas’ Gary rejected, thankfully 😊

Eventually, I housed every story in its place and was comfortable that the collection took the reader on a journey through the landscapes our authors had provided – and Gary approved!

Finally, we were ready for the cover.

 
Melissa Gun’s submission was a clear and easy choice by our submissions team for the acceptance.
The art was bold and eye catching and included truly excellently considered elements to bring the title to life. But, as is all things with publishing – I decided it needed some added designing tweaks to be a dynamic cover.

The way SpecFicNz submissions work is - everything is blind.

 
Until we had edited the pieces and ordered them – we didn’t really know how the anthology would feel as a whole, nor did we know how much space for text we would need.

 
So by the time we reached the design stages – some tweaks had to be made.

Again, I steam-rolled.

I bought photoshop, just so I could work comfortably in making the tweaks.
Scared to spend the money I technically didn’t have on it — I also knew that I’d kick myself later if I didn’t go the extra mile.
When I commit to something – I commit full hearted or not at all!
It’s got me in trouble before, but somethings we never learn :P

There must be at least 20 different version on my hard drive for the design tweaks, all in effort to give Melissa’s gorgeous art the best possible showcase to represent the collection.

 
The font was perhaps the most challenging part of getting the cover just right!

Gary and I went back and forth over the title text like mad people.

 
I mocked up design after design and we mulled over everything to the point I’m sure we each wanted to throw a fry-pan at each-other.
That and that damn spine –- which is a give-in as any book cover designer will know :P

So, when Melissa received the award for best cover art –- I let out a hoot – much to the surprise of all who attended -– especially since it became clear I was not Melissa Gunn!

 
You see, while the design is the lesser part of the cover art – because it’s the colours and imagery that’s really the winner here – and certainly well damn deserved – I had a small role to play in helping bring the cover into its final glory.

 
I’m not saying this to take anything away from Melissa Gunn – her cover art is phenomenal and more than worthy in its own right.

 
Remember, I started this on the premise that I had something to prove – that I needed to prove all I had learnt in my years at the publishing house.
Prove that my 3 years at art school, majoring in design, weren’t for nothing!

 
For me, on a personal level, Melissa winning the cover is also a confirmation for me that as a designer, I understand how to help make an artist’s work shine!

 
I played a part, a small one, yes, but a part none the less.

Melissa’s cover is gorgeous and provided all the bones for creating all the internal design images.
Without her creativity to envision the elements that would bring the visual enhancements to the collection as a whole to life, none of the chapter pages or icons would be nearly as awesome.
She made my job as the designer easy!
I took the elements from her cover and allowed them to lead me.

I don’t know how Gary made the formatting of all these elements look so gorgeous – but he did.
All the art and careful curation could not be as half as successful as it is if the layout wasn’t so smooth.

Visually, the collection is perfection – and that part is 100% all on Gary!!

So….

When Artificial Sweetener was announced as the winner of the Best Collected Works category… I was in total and utter shock.

Was there a mistake?

For a moment, I was taken back to Sheila Winn Shakespeare awards ceremony.

I’d directed, acted in and produced an except of Much-Ado-About Nothing - opting for a semi-traditional and minimalist approach and yet the award we received was for ‘most creative and innovative’ announced first -when usually the best over-all performance had that ordering honour.

The next award announced was the overall winner and went to Midsummer Nights Dream by Tawa College who opted for a wild, psychedelic, loud and colourful rendition with hippie costumes, mushrooms, trippy lights and radical music.
I was only 15 and didn’t have the guts to question if there was a mistake and no one else did.

For years after, people often came up to me to tell me they thought there had been a mistake that year and that we should have won.
I felt robbed at a chance to go to the globe.

A few years later, I did win the best student directed piece, for Titus Andronicus, but at nationals, one of the judges proudly told me he gave us 0 points because he didn’t believe the play should be performed and we had been disrespectful to Shakespeare in how we performed it.
Though he did say two of our cast had some talent (he never named who).

At a young age, that set me up to be sceptical of awards — or at least my involvement with them.

I’d gone to the SJV’s to be a token face.

To take some photos and show my support for the fellows in the community I am passionate about being a part of. So I could post some social media pic’s and share in whooping for Nikky’s winnings (I was certain she’d keep her winning streak!)

I hadn’t even planned to be there at all.

 
I was supposed to be on a camping trip, up north.

 
But the weather had turned, and I didn’t want to be deflated at home.

 
I went into the city, a token representative, a face in a crowd to support.

 
I prepared nothing, expected nothing.

I’d seen the anthology was up against highly professional and successful publishing houses - Paper Road Press, Huia, Cuba Press, Deadset Press – names that line many books in my bookshelf.

 
Up against creatives who are esteemed in the speculative industry – Nikky Lee, Lee Murry,   Kim Lowe…

I had seen the competition of professional, well-established producers of excellent quality works and thought – na, not a chance.

When Artificial Sweetener was announced as the publisher of the best short story, I was thrilled!
I immediately messaged BT, proud of him – knowing he deserved it.

 
When Melissa took out best cover, I was extremely happy for her!
Rushing to congratulate her online too.

But when it was announced for best collection…

My own self-doubt couldn’t take it in.

 
I couldn’t believe it.

 
It didn’t matter I felt the weight of the trophy in my hand – this had to be a mistake.

I spent days in disbelief.

 
Even though I could see it.

Even though I could touch it.

Was this real?

I kept expecting to get a call to say ‘whoopsie, we miscounted’.

Let me be clear, I know that every contributor deserves this, I know how wonderful, talented, creative and skilled each of the people involved in the collection are.

My doubt is not on their merits, their values and their talent’s.

My doubt is -my- imposter syndrome – the years of being undervalued, cast aside and ridiculed.  

  
I know that we are phenomenally lucky to have received the winning vote, and I have no doubt at all in my mind that it was an incredibly close count.

Today, I am writing this far too long-winded post to help remind myself it is real.

To explain that while I am far from the sole creator of this collection and cannot claim the win as mine…

For me, this award means that I can personally hold my head up high against every single one of those people who told me and/or others that I was unworthy.

Who told me I was an over achiever with baseline skills.
Who made me believe I was small and a failure.

For me, while I am only one piece of the puzzle and I know this award belongs to all of us – equally, because it could not have happened without each and every one of you – to me this award means I finally have the proof I’ve fought a decade long journey to claim.

 
That I deserve to be here.

 
Proof that I have worth in this industry.

 
Proof that I have value in the industry I adore so much.

And no one can ever take that away from me.

SpecFicNz – all of you in the community; The whole Core committee; Gary Nelson, Melissa Gun, Linda Bennet, Miriam Bassett, Alla Zaykova; the 17 incredible authors I was honoured to work with; and everyone who voted or bought this book, everyone who read even one story or flicked through the pages… all of you – from the bottom of my heart – thank-you so much.

This anthology, this award – it means so much more to me than even the words on this page can say – I’m so grateful for everything all of you have given to me.

I aim to ensure this is the first of many awards I get to celebrate in 😉